Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she told me i tasted like america
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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