Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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