Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
