***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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