Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
