i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
