the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
i think i just lost a toe
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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