answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
