Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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