I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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