You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
