You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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