Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
