A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
