Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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