my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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