just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
