Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
