Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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