I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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