I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Even my vagina gasped.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize