Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
