Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
