that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
