I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
