made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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