I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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