Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize