I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
