i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just had sex on a roof
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
