Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
