Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I need to calm my uterus...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
