i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
