Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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