we're chasing vodka with high fives
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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