I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
