im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize