How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize