i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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