I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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