Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
