Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
