Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize