dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
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