i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
