just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize