The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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