You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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