Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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