My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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