he puts the penis in happiness.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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