If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
