I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
