I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize