Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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