watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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