true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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