i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
