I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
