Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
